Giant Burger Photo

Too good to NOT share. Please click to drink in the goodness of a 39 mega pixel photo of a burger. That is all.

Hiatus

Hey folks. Just a quick note to let you know that the burger tour is on hiatus. Work's kicking my tail these days, and I just don't have time to devote to the burger tour right now. We'll fire this thing back up mid-June. Thanks!

McDonald's - 4/1/13

Have you heard about the man who got the job driving the bus for Sesame Street? He was really looking forward to meeting all the Sesame St. characters, and so he was filled with great anticipation his first day on the job. As he stood outside the bus waiting for his riders to begin to arrive, the first person he saw approaching the bus was an *extremely* large woman. Before she boarded the bus, he asked her her name. Huffing and puffing from the exertion of walking, she replied, "My name is Patty." "Well, Patty, climb on board. We'll be leaving shortly." The next passenger, a man just as big as the woman, was wearing a large green suit. When asked his name by the new driver, he replied with a noticeable accent, "My name is Patrick...I'm Irish, you know. My friends all call me 'Patty'." "Patty, meet Patty. You two can get to know each other while I await several more passengers that I see coming." 

As the new driver stood there, he found himself thinking, "Where are Bert and Ernie???" The next passenger was a little retarded boy. "Hi, little boy. What's your name?" "My name is Ross, and my parents tell me I'm special." "Ross, I'm really glad to have a nice boy like you ride on my bus today. Climb on, and we'll leave in just a minute." The last person to approach the bus was a really strange looking man. "Hello, sir. What's your name?" In a surly manner he answered, "My name is Lester Creep!" For lack of anything better to say, he told him, "Lester, we're about to leave so please have a seat." 

Now the driver was really thinking, "I thought I was going to meet Big Bird and Cookie Monster!!!" As he was pulling away from the curb, he looked in his rear view mirror. Much to his horror, he saw Lester sitting there with his shoe off, picking at a bunion or something on his big toe. "Oh, gross!" he thought. "This is nothing like I thought it would be! No Bert, no Ernie! Just a bunch of weirdos!!!" 

He mulled it all over for a while, then suddenly he began to smile. He thought to himself, "Who would ever believe that, the first day on my new job I have two obese Patties, special Ross, and Lester Creep pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street Bus?!?!" 


MCDONALD's

Today is April 1st, and it is also the day that the esteemed, illustrious Burger Tour shifted our sights in our quest for THE BEST burger in Cedar Rapids, and instead chose to focus this one day on finding the blandest burger in Cedar Rapids. Pubs, bars, taverns, greasy spoons;  all were set aside and replaced with the lowest common denominator that we could find: fast food. And not just any fast food, no sir. No, we wanted to find the single most homogeneous, plain, ordinary, sanitized, white bread fast food that money can buy. No "Angus", no flame broiling, no butter burgers, nope, nope, nope...nothing but a generic patty of genuine "beef product" fried on a hot griddle and served up fresh on a bun that's been identified by countless focus groups and committee's as the "least offensive". Ladies and gentlemen, the Burger Tour has arrived beneath the Golden Arches of McDonald's. 

Turns out, Mickey D's isn't all that bad. It's not all that good, but it's not all that bad! 

Yes, yes I would. 

Everybody knows that Ronald McDonald is the official mascot of McDonald's. Has been for years. He's got a wholesome public persona, friendly and a little goofy, always entertaining to children, and he's got a real soft side as well. 

What a lot of folks don't know is that, on his days off, when the cameras are supposed to be put away, is that Sir McDonald is a stone cold player. 

Who's lookin' to be Super Sized today???

The man himself was in CR April 1st, and let's just say we know who coined the phrase "Super Sized", if ya know what I mean....

The Burger

A variety of beef product menu items were acquired and sampled for this round of the Burger Tour. All passed muster, and were presented in an acceptable manner without the aid of any frilled sandwich picks. 

Double 1/4 pounder with cheese, fries, and one of the last Shamrock Shakes of the year. TASTEEE!!!

HOLY COW (cow...get it...I slay me sometimes...)...THAT is a tasty looking burger. Good looking bun, stacked neatly, cheese and condiments JUST peeking out from under the bun. Bravo McDonald's staff....bravo indeed!

A peek under the hood isn't QUITE as pretty, but the cheese WAS melted. MKOP....if you know what that means, then you too have worked the backline for Ronald McSlavemaster.

On to the numbers! A number of us visited McDonald's and were on the receiving end of all the teaching that the McDonald's College of Hamburgerology could offer. As a result, our highly trained and WELL compensated staff has awarded the McDonald's burger experience a score of 6.57/10. 

Another excellently crafted beef product based comestible...is that "Special Sauce" that I see????

Comments (the only part of this crap that anyone actually reads so they can say "Hey, looky there....Mister Fancy Burger Man done went and put my words on the intertubes!")

• Had the double cheese burger only ketchup. It was hot otherwise just a McDs burger.
• Two single cheeseburgers with ketchup, pickle, and onion. I forgot to taste the first one but did notice the cheese was not all the way melted. I slowed down for the second one expecting to experience bliss but just had childhood memories but now i enjoyed the onions. Good burger but not high quality...
• Double 1/4 pounder w. cheese. Bland and largely flavorless, but edible.
• Double quarter pounder with cheese. However I had it dressed like a Big Mac. Big Mac sauce rocks...seriously.

Fries & Sides

Not a lot to say here folks. McDonald's fries. Interesting fact that vegetarians and vegans might find interesting...and if you are either of those, WHY are you reading this????....McDonald's fries contain a small amount of "natural beef flavor", which makes them NOT approved for vegetarians or vegans. Sorry hippies. Fries were awarded a 6.67/10. 

Comments:

• Their fries are too salty for me. But they still make you crave more. (Editor's Note: Much like crack. Not that I know...but I've heard...from...a guy...yeah....)
• French fries, best of the best!! Crunchy, salty, delicious and surely laced with crack. (See "a guy", mentioned above)
• French fries were awesome-crisp and salty!
• McDonalds has the BEST fries when fresh and hot these however were only so,so as they were NOT fresh nor hot... Kinda dissappointing since it was over the lunch hour.
• Uninspiring. 

Service

You know what I like when I order fast food? The FIRST THING I like to see when I walk in is cleanliness. Spic, and also span. What I don't like is having to walk over and around the guy power washing the sidewalk during the lunch hour on a weekday. Now, that said, I'm not knocking the guy, NOT AT ALL. Man was doing a job that he was told to do, doing it well, gettin' paid for it. I'm a fan, bravo man. However, the dude who's idea it was for the man to be out there power washing the sidewalk likely needs a McBoot upside his McHead, because that was a bone headed decision. Additionally, not sure the ENTIRE seating area needed to be mopped, again, during the lunch hour. 

The SECOND thing I like to see when I order fast food is a neck tattoo. Yep...the whole world says that a neck tattoo will limit your career possibilities. However folks, I am here to tell you, a neck tattoo is NOT an impediment to your succeeding in the high stakes world of McDonald's supervision and management. Hell, I think it might even be a REQUIREMENT!!! 

Except at McDonald's...please come in, have a seat. Would you like some crystal meth while you complete your application? No...why...you may be Manager material!

Service received a 6.83/10. Comments...

• Very busy with long lines waiting for food. Very unorganized.
• Pretty damn fast! And they make 'em like you want 'em! But why were they mopping the floor and power-washing the sidewalk in the middle of the lunch rush?? Seems counterproductive.
• I hate that you have to ask at the counter for mustard-they should have it out with the ketchup. (Editor's note, the Burger Tour had a guest reviewer this week. Queen Elizabeth II ladies and gentlemen! Give it up for Her Majesty!!!)
• Was pleasantly surprised that an employee came and took a few of our trays before we were done :) This helped me forget the guy powerwashing the sidewalk in front of the door as we entered, again over the lunch hour...
• Restaurant was clean, and was being cleaned while we were there. Staff was friendly, prompt, and attentive.
• I felt like a minority and my wallet could be taken at any second. Seriously. I'm not kidding.

Conclusion

Let's be honest folks, no one goes to McDonald's for the best burger anywhere. You go there to shovel some food down your throat so you can move on to whatever next thing it is you've got to deal with. If you go to McDonald's for the best, you REALLY ought to raise your sights to something with a little more promise. 

Would you eat here again, or recommend it to others? We give McDonald's a 3.43/5, but let's be honest...McDonald's is like that sketchy massage place on the edge of Marion. Sure, you SAY you'll never go there again, that this was the last time, and yet, there you are...1:45 in the morning...half drunk and lonely with a few bucks in your pocket, and the sign beckons you, a red and yellow siren call in the dark of the night that will not be ignored..."Asian Massage..."...I mean..."Over 99 billion served..."..wait...which one has which sign again????

Final Comments:

• Apparently nothing, not even a Starlight burger, beats Mickey D's. As much as I love it, it's still feels shameful to eat there, lots of guilt, not to mention the stomachache, afternoon brain fuzziness and the unpredictable explosive diarrhea.
• Probably shouldn't choose the lunchtime to powerwash their sidewalk and the floors in the restaurant. (Yeah, we get it...it's been mentioned...let it go...)
• I like this Mcdonald's as it is clean and has Ronald inside, good photo op.
• I had never seen someone wait in line before for a small coke. Side note..my server axed her boss about making my order. Did I miss something because her version of axed is much different than mine.
  

Bonus Content (for those who actually read this far down!)

It's a little known, and barely advertised fact that McDonald's has a Super Secret (hence the lack of advertising...this is not rocket science folks) menu that every McDonald's employee knows about, but can not, WILL NOT discuss in public. So, the next time you're there, look that McDonald's employee square in the eye...do not be intimidated by the neck tattoo....and order your choice of delicious, secret, forbidden awesomeness from the menu that only the cool kids know about. Trust me, you will never, ever walk in to McD's and be asked: 

The Starlite Room - 3/20/13

Believe it or not dear readers, I do not like or enjoy giving a local establishment a bad review. Not at all. The whole point of the Burger Tour is to identify THE BEST Bar Burger in town, NOT the worst. Sure, it's inevitable that, as we look for our Prince, we're going to have to kiss a few frogs. I accept that. I welcome frog kissing. Some of my best friends are frogs. If two frogs love each other and want to get married, I support their decision as two rational, consenting adult frogs. Where was I? Oh yeah...our review.

THe Starlite Room

Please be sure to note the burger illustration, proudly depicted upon the establishment's signage along a heavily traveled thoroughfare utilized by a variety of motorized vehicles and pedestrians each and every day.

The Starlite Room has been on 1st Avenue NE for a long, long time! For YEARS their sign out front has proclaimed that they are the "Home of the Super Burger", whereas their menu proclaims them as the "Home of the Original Half-Pound Super Burger".

Photographic PROOF! Again, note the appearance of the illustrated, symmetrical burger, complete with  a "frilled sandwich pick", which loyal readers will know makes everything classier!

Well? Which is it? "Super Burger" or "Original Half-Pound Super Burger"? I feel so deceived, cheated, lied too....anyway....

I got to say....these days, proclaiming your business as the "home" of the 1/2 pound burger just isn't that big of a deal. Finding a half pound burger around this town is a pretty easy feat, whereas, I suppose, back in the day (HOW LONG IS IT???), The Starlite Room had a bout of marketing inspiration that made them a must stop establishment for local diners. "Well golly....a half pound of burger Ma! Can ya believe it? And on a bun too! Why, they even put a frilled sandwich pick into it! Hop on into the Jalopy, we's a goin' eatin' tonight!".

Half pound burgers live just about anywhere now, they're no longer ghettoized to only certain, selected northeast side watering holes and speakeasy's. "Home of the Original Half-Pound Super Burger"....please....gettin' so you can't swing a dead cat in this town and NOT come in contact with a half pound burger! 

Please don't swing cats. Alive OR dead. Thank you.

It would seem, over the years ,that Starlite's marketing has paid off, as year after year after year, various and sundry "surveys" and "opinion polls" and "votes" (Democracy...that's just a fad...it'll NEVER work....) have proclaimed the venerable old Starlite as "the best" in Cedar Rapids. And don't for a MOMENT think that the Starlite hasn't continued to cash in on this notoriety. In fact, as recently as 2012, Starlite was proclaimed as "THE BEST" in town by KCRG A-List Dining. It's true, check it out, I'll wait. 

Sadly friends, the Burger Tour cannot, WILL NOT support these same claims of greatness. A dozen of us journeyed there today, armed with our vast wealth of burger knowledge, to put the venerable old Starlite's claims to the test. What were the results? Sadly, they were frightening and more than a little disappointing. 

The Burger

As we all know, "the rules" of the Burger Tour strive to keep the experience as pure and consistent as possible from one establishment to the next. No fancy toppings or sauces, we want to rate the burgers in an unadulterated state. Starlite is PERFECT for that, as their Superburger was offered with cheese, lettuce, onion, pickle, ketchup and mustard. Classic. The way a regular burger is meant to be enjoyed. Twelve of us made the journey to the Starlite Room today and everyone filling out a survey ordered a burger, so no Bar Sammich's to contend with. Or salads.

Surveys have been completed, results tabulated, threats made, judges bribed and  the results are in. Starlite's burger has been rated as a 4.13/10. 

As presented. Note that there is no plate or other tableware to distract me from my burger.

The Superburger, unwrapped upon it's waxed paper "plate" and ready for consumption. Note the "symmetry" of the burger, as depicted earlier on the establishment's various marketing devices. Please also be aware of the "textured" bun, and the lack of a "frilled sandwich pick" which would be far too distracting and an unnecessary nuisance for "the best burger" of 2012. 

Now, don't just take my word for it! Comments from the group included:

• Was okay, seemed more "packaged" than what I have had from before (long ago).
• With the works. Burger presented well. I had to almost tear apart my sandwich in order to put ketchup and mustard on the bun. Overall a little dry for my liking. But overall a pretty good burger, good flavor and seasoned well.
• Plain hamburger with ketchup and mustard with pickles. I didn't think it was the greatest. Not as greasy as the past times I've visited but still had plenty of it.
• 1/4 cheeseburger w/everything. Tasted like it came off a 30 year old, never been cleaned, heavily grease coated gas grill. Yuck!
• Not the best looking burger ever assembled, and tasted kind of dry and "mealy". Good, but not great flavor. Middle of the road at best

Fries & Sides

I can't speak for the rest of the country, but around these parts, one can often order what's known as a "burger basket". It's a plastic, reusable basket, lined with waxed paper, wherein a burger and fries are placed and served. A combo, if you will. A burger basket. Well...despite the burger NOT being served in a plate or a basket, the fries WERE served in a basket. Why not put the burger in the basket with the fries and serve it all at once? Just a suggestion. Fries and sides were given a 3.75/10. 

Comments:

• I had onion rings which did not have a lot of flavor, but were warm and crisp
• Fries, just kind of plain.
• I like their Ranch to dip the fries in :)
• Ordinary fries. MANY small fries in the basket, would have preferred longer fries, and not the scraps.

Service

Despite a lack of plates, I thought the service was OK. I ALWAYS try and give the service a bit of a break when the Burger Tour drops in unannounced, as we tend to make an impact in an establishment's normal course of business. That said, it looked like the Starlite was enjoying a fairly healthy lunchtime crowd, so our 12 people shouldn't have made too big of a dent in their capabilities. Group rated the service a 5.00/10. 

Comments: 

• Wait staff was not very organized. Delivered the burgers first and then tried to match up the sides. I had to ask to get my onion rings and waitress was a little snotty. Pay the bill at the bar just by what you tell them you had-no bills were given to us.
• The burgers were wrapped in paper and handed to us without a plate or silverware. Sides were in a basket-they could have combined the 2?? Not particularly fast.
• Place was busy for lunch. And is actually a decent size. Thought it was odd not having silverware and the fact that they just wrapped the burger like its fast food.
• I believe they could improve on the method of payment. Going to the register is pay is not timely.
• Had to pay at the bar. $12.75 for lunch (burger, fries, soda). Fries and burger were NOT sold together, which made the burger appear cheaper, but ultimately, you pay the same as anywhere else.

Conclusion

Well, we didn't rate the Starlite real high. Someone, somewhere must love the place, because they keep winning local awards, and people were obviously there for lunch today. That said, there are MUCH better burgers to be found in Cedar Rapids. 

Would you eat here again, or recommend it to others? We scored Starlite a 2.50/5. 

Final Comments: 

• Prices were good, food and service not so much. Atmosphere on the low end.
• In the past this has always been the best hamburger place to go to. Now it has been more than 2 years since I've been there, so things may have changed. My guess, they stopped hand pressing the patties, went with frozen for consistency and cost, but they lost what made them great.
• Overall I liked it.. Worthy of the BEST Burger award in Cedar Rapids...... I question #nosipnstir #bestyet
• Could use a remodel.
• I'll never understand why anyone would say that Starlight has "the best burger in town". I just don't get it.