McDonald's - 4/1/13

Have you heard about the man who got the job driving the bus for Sesame Street? He was really looking forward to meeting all the Sesame St. characters, and so he was filled with great anticipation his first day on the job. As he stood outside the bus waiting for his riders to begin to arrive, the first person he saw approaching the bus was an *extremely* large woman. Before she boarded the bus, he asked her her name. Huffing and puffing from the exertion of walking, she replied, "My name is Patty." "Well, Patty, climb on board. We'll be leaving shortly." The next passenger, a man just as big as the woman, was wearing a large green suit. When asked his name by the new driver, he replied with a noticeable accent, "My name is Patrick...I'm Irish, you know. My friends all call me 'Patty'." "Patty, meet Patty. You two can get to know each other while I await several more passengers that I see coming." 

As the new driver stood there, he found himself thinking, "Where are Bert and Ernie???" The next passenger was a little retarded boy. "Hi, little boy. What's your name?" "My name is Ross, and my parents tell me I'm special." "Ross, I'm really glad to have a nice boy like you ride on my bus today. Climb on, and we'll leave in just a minute." The last person to approach the bus was a really strange looking man. "Hello, sir. What's your name?" In a surly manner he answered, "My name is Lester Creep!" For lack of anything better to say, he told him, "Lester, we're about to leave so please have a seat." 

Now the driver was really thinking, "I thought I was going to meet Big Bird and Cookie Monster!!!" As he was pulling away from the curb, he looked in his rear view mirror. Much to his horror, he saw Lester sitting there with his shoe off, picking at a bunion or something on his big toe. "Oh, gross!" he thought. "This is nothing like I thought it would be! No Bert, no Ernie! Just a bunch of weirdos!!!" 

He mulled it all over for a while, then suddenly he began to smile. He thought to himself, "Who would ever believe that, the first day on my new job I have two obese Patties, special Ross, and Lester Creep pickin' bunions on a Sesame Street Bus?!?!" 


MCDONALD's

Today is April 1st, and it is also the day that the esteemed, illustrious Burger Tour shifted our sights in our quest for THE BEST burger in Cedar Rapids, and instead chose to focus this one day on finding the blandest burger in Cedar Rapids. Pubs, bars, taverns, greasy spoons;  all were set aside and replaced with the lowest common denominator that we could find: fast food. And not just any fast food, no sir. No, we wanted to find the single most homogeneous, plain, ordinary, sanitized, white bread fast food that money can buy. No "Angus", no flame broiling, no butter burgers, nope, nope, nope...nothing but a generic patty of genuine "beef product" fried on a hot griddle and served up fresh on a bun that's been identified by countless focus groups and committee's as the "least offensive". Ladies and gentlemen, the Burger Tour has arrived beneath the Golden Arches of McDonald's. 

Turns out, Mickey D's isn't all that bad. It's not all that good, but it's not all that bad! 

Yes, yes I would. 

Everybody knows that Ronald McDonald is the official mascot of McDonald's. Has been for years. He's got a wholesome public persona, friendly and a little goofy, always entertaining to children, and he's got a real soft side as well. 

What a lot of folks don't know is that, on his days off, when the cameras are supposed to be put away, is that Sir McDonald is a stone cold player. 

Who's lookin' to be Super Sized today???

The man himself was in CR April 1st, and let's just say we know who coined the phrase "Super Sized", if ya know what I mean....

The Burger

A variety of beef product menu items were acquired and sampled for this round of the Burger Tour. All passed muster, and were presented in an acceptable manner without the aid of any frilled sandwich picks. 

Double 1/4 pounder with cheese, fries, and one of the last Shamrock Shakes of the year. TASTEEE!!!

HOLY COW (cow...get it...I slay me sometimes...)...THAT is a tasty looking burger. Good looking bun, stacked neatly, cheese and condiments JUST peeking out from under the bun. Bravo McDonald's staff....bravo indeed!

A peek under the hood isn't QUITE as pretty, but the cheese WAS melted. MKOP....if you know what that means, then you too have worked the backline for Ronald McSlavemaster.

On to the numbers! A number of us visited McDonald's and were on the receiving end of all the teaching that the McDonald's College of Hamburgerology could offer. As a result, our highly trained and WELL compensated staff has awarded the McDonald's burger experience a score of 6.57/10. 

Another excellently crafted beef product based comestible...is that "Special Sauce" that I see????

Comments (the only part of this crap that anyone actually reads so they can say "Hey, looky there....Mister Fancy Burger Man done went and put my words on the intertubes!")

• Had the double cheese burger only ketchup. It was hot otherwise just a McDs burger.
• Two single cheeseburgers with ketchup, pickle, and onion. I forgot to taste the first one but did notice the cheese was not all the way melted. I slowed down for the second one expecting to experience bliss but just had childhood memories but now i enjoyed the onions. Good burger but not high quality...
• Double 1/4 pounder w. cheese. Bland and largely flavorless, but edible.
• Double quarter pounder with cheese. However I had it dressed like a Big Mac. Big Mac sauce rocks...seriously.

Fries & Sides

Not a lot to say here folks. McDonald's fries. Interesting fact that vegetarians and vegans might find interesting...and if you are either of those, WHY are you reading this????....McDonald's fries contain a small amount of "natural beef flavor", which makes them NOT approved for vegetarians or vegans. Sorry hippies. Fries were awarded a 6.67/10. 

Comments:

• Their fries are too salty for me. But they still make you crave more. (Editor's Note: Much like crack. Not that I know...but I've heard...from...a guy...yeah....)
• French fries, best of the best!! Crunchy, salty, delicious and surely laced with crack. (See "a guy", mentioned above)
• French fries were awesome-crisp and salty!
• McDonalds has the BEST fries when fresh and hot these however were only so,so as they were NOT fresh nor hot... Kinda dissappointing since it was over the lunch hour.
• Uninspiring. 

Service

You know what I like when I order fast food? The FIRST THING I like to see when I walk in is cleanliness. Spic, and also span. What I don't like is having to walk over and around the guy power washing the sidewalk during the lunch hour on a weekday. Now, that said, I'm not knocking the guy, NOT AT ALL. Man was doing a job that he was told to do, doing it well, gettin' paid for it. I'm a fan, bravo man. However, the dude who's idea it was for the man to be out there power washing the sidewalk likely needs a McBoot upside his McHead, because that was a bone headed decision. Additionally, not sure the ENTIRE seating area needed to be mopped, again, during the lunch hour. 

The SECOND thing I like to see when I order fast food is a neck tattoo. Yep...the whole world says that a neck tattoo will limit your career possibilities. However folks, I am here to tell you, a neck tattoo is NOT an impediment to your succeeding in the high stakes world of McDonald's supervision and management. Hell, I think it might even be a REQUIREMENT!!! 

Except at McDonald's...please come in, have a seat. Would you like some crystal meth while you complete your application? No...why...you may be Manager material!

Service received a 6.83/10. Comments...

• Very busy with long lines waiting for food. Very unorganized.
• Pretty damn fast! And they make 'em like you want 'em! But why were they mopping the floor and power-washing the sidewalk in the middle of the lunch rush?? Seems counterproductive.
• I hate that you have to ask at the counter for mustard-they should have it out with the ketchup. (Editor's note, the Burger Tour had a guest reviewer this week. Queen Elizabeth II ladies and gentlemen! Give it up for Her Majesty!!!)
• Was pleasantly surprised that an employee came and took a few of our trays before we were done :) This helped me forget the guy powerwashing the sidewalk in front of the door as we entered, again over the lunch hour...
• Restaurant was clean, and was being cleaned while we were there. Staff was friendly, prompt, and attentive.
• I felt like a minority and my wallet could be taken at any second. Seriously. I'm not kidding.

Conclusion

Let's be honest folks, no one goes to McDonald's for the best burger anywhere. You go there to shovel some food down your throat so you can move on to whatever next thing it is you've got to deal with. If you go to McDonald's for the best, you REALLY ought to raise your sights to something with a little more promise. 

Would you eat here again, or recommend it to others? We give McDonald's a 3.43/5, but let's be honest...McDonald's is like that sketchy massage place on the edge of Marion. Sure, you SAY you'll never go there again, that this was the last time, and yet, there you are...1:45 in the morning...half drunk and lonely with a few bucks in your pocket, and the sign beckons you, a red and yellow siren call in the dark of the night that will not be ignored..."Asian Massage..."...I mean..."Over 99 billion served..."..wait...which one has which sign again????

Final Comments:

• Apparently nothing, not even a Starlight burger, beats Mickey D's. As much as I love it, it's still feels shameful to eat there, lots of guilt, not to mention the stomachache, afternoon brain fuzziness and the unpredictable explosive diarrhea.
• Probably shouldn't choose the lunchtime to powerwash their sidewalk and the floors in the restaurant. (Yeah, we get it...it's been mentioned...let it go...)
• I like this Mcdonald's as it is clean and has Ronald inside, good photo op.
• I had never seen someone wait in line before for a small coke. Side note..my server axed her boss about making my order. Did I miss something because her version of axed is much different than mine.
  

Bonus Content (for those who actually read this far down!)

It's a little known, and barely advertised fact that McDonald's has a Super Secret (hence the lack of advertising...this is not rocket science folks) menu that every McDonald's employee knows about, but can not, WILL NOT discuss in public. So, the next time you're there, look that McDonald's employee square in the eye...do not be intimidated by the neck tattoo....and order your choice of delicious, secret, forbidden awesomeness from the menu that only the cool kids know about. Trust me, you will never, ever walk in to McD's and be asked: